If you’re sick of an all liquid diet, maybe now’s the time to start taking more of an interest in gourmet cooking. We can’t all be the Martha Stewart of human sacrifice, such as Maryann in True Blood with her tasty looking human heart souffle. But we can promise you that whether you’re serving your guests or eating them, these simple holiday recipes will be absolutely killer.
Halloween Cupcake Surprise – A perfect treat for an undead Halloween party! Makes plenty to feed a bloodthirsty crowd!
Two pints of blood (preferably children’s)
4 boxes of yellow cake mix & specified ingredients
2 boxes of Domino powdered sugar
2 stick of butter
2 jiggers of bourbon
Prepare the cake mixes as instructed, only pour the mix into paper cups, standing upright in a cake pan or on a cookie sheet, but preferably in a muffin pan. Bake as instructed on the box. When the cupcakes are done, let them cool before frosting. To make frosting, cream softened butter with powdered sugar, gradually pouring in blood, and mixing until smooth. To thin the blood and dillute the salty flavor, slowly add both jiggers of bourbon. If the icing for your cupcakes comes out a little thin, add more powdered sugar, until the mixture is thick enough to spread.
Cranberry Sauce Supreme – If Thanksgiving has you feeling nostalgic, try this little concoction, and those memories of family feasts, or feasting on families, will warm up your cold, lifeless heart in a hurry!
16 oz. of blood (human)
1 Tblsp. Knox Gelatin
1 cup sweetened dried cranberries
1 cup sugar
1 1/4 cup cranberry juice
2 cups water
First, refrigerate one cup of water, and boil the other, –leave blood and cranberry juice at room temperature. Blood naturally coagulates when refrigerated, but since we’re mixing in water and cranberry juice, the extra gelatin will keep the mixture firm, and if it’s a little runny, that’s okay too. Mix the gelatin into the cold water, and sit it to the side in a large bowl. In another bowl, pour the juice, then the sugar, stir until some sugar dissolves, then add the bowling water, and stir until the sugar is completely dissolved. Now pour that mixture into the large bow containing the cup of cold water and gelatin mixture. If you plan to use a mold, pour it in now, or simply leave it in the bowl until thickened enough, and transfer it to a serving dish for your dinner. Refrigerate for 30 minutes, then enjoy!
Bloody Superb Bird – A pair pheasants packed with our own special recipe of stuffing.
Stuffing: (Prepare first!)
30 slices white bread, lightly toasted (should sit for 24 hours until hardened, –make a little extra for contingency)
1 tablespoons butter
1 large onion, finely chopped
2 stalks celery, finely chopped
8 oz blood (human)
1 Tblsp. blood (separate)
1 cups chicken broth
2 teaspoons rubbed sage
1 teaspoon garlic powder (depending on allergies)
salt and pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 325 F. For the stuffing, crumble the toasted bread in a large bowl. Cook the onion, and celery until soft in a small skillet with one tablespoon of blood and one tablespoon of butter. Boil the blood and chicken broth together. Mix the blood and chicken broth into the bread crumbs. The mixture should be moist, but not mushy; if the bread is too saoft, ad a little more toast to the mixture. Mix in the onion, celery, rubbed sage, garlic powder, salt and pepper. Back in casserole dish for one hour.
2 pheasants (preferably 2.5 lbs. ea.)
2 tsp. salt
1/4 cup melted butter
4 oz. blood (human)
Preheat oven to 350 F. Salt the cavity of the birds, place inside a roasting pan side by side, and stuff with your previously prepared stuffing. Mix the blood and butter in a small bowl, and brush the bird lightly. Bake for two hours, frequently basting with the blood and butter mixture. Serves six.
disclaimer: this is an entertainment piece, and it’s a shame that we even need to add this but some of you are just -that- dumb! Obviously, you shouldn’t actually follow these recipes or harm anyone.