vampire games, vampire news, and real vampires

Vampire “Educational Tools”

Although I will keep it PG-13, this particular post is for the grown-ups. You kiddies scroll on past now, okay?

Good. Just us adults left? Splendid. Proceed.

As a (I hope) curious aside, in my home state of Alabama it is illegal to buy, sell, or own a sex toy. Truth. And let me tell you, we who live here and actually have brains are SO proud! Sure it’s one of those laws that nobody bothers to enforce. And there are stores that sell those products. How’d they get around the repressive, anal-retentive, control-freak regime that outlaws them? They sell only EDUCATIONAL TOOLS. What exactly constitutes an “educational tool,” you may ask. Exactly. Since nobody, not even those above-mentioned control freaks, wants to have to go into a courtroom and argue whether or not a phallus qualifies as “educational” or not, the legislators just look the other way and pretend that no one in Alabama is having sex. It helps them sleep better at night.

Anyway, as the world’s biggest Dracula mark, I tend to collect anything and everything Dracula-related. I cannot, however, purchase the last product featured in this article from the fine folks over at VAMPED. I’m not even going to type its name. It’s not prudishness that prevents me purchasing it, however. It’s the ridiculous price. If it were cheaper, I’d buy one. I wouldn’t USE it, but I’d buy it. Again, no prudishness, here. And not because my home state says it’s illegal to own it. (Hey, it’s an EDUCATIONAL TOOL, dammit!) It is my opinion that nothing cast in the image of Dracula should be treated with anything less than reverence. I suppose some might argue that putting it to its intended use would constitute the highest form of reverence, but as with the whole is-it-or-is-it-not an educational device question, it comes down to a matter of interpretation.

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS (,, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced and directed (and occasionally acted in) over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and Crime genres. His first novel, THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT CHRISTOPHER: WEREWOLF, is available for purchase here:


TheCheezman • June 18, 2017

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