Vampire Movies You Would Never (Willingly) See

One of my favorite literary themes is ‘The King in Yellow’; you’ll find it in music, many short stories, and in a particularly favorite episode of Masters of Horror; John Carpenter’s ‘Cigarette Burns’. I always fancied the idea of a deeply disturbing musical/film/play, that made people so incredibly incensed by what they were seeing, that they began killing each other, gnawing off their own fingers, chewing their tongues off and eating them, things like that. Well, as I see more vampire films in which the vampires are being utterly stupid and have been so incredibly pussy-whipped, or blood-whipped, whatever, I can’t help but want to gouge out my eyes with the nearest semi-blunt instrument. Maybe that’s what this whole metro-sexual vampire move is about. Trying to get the audiences to kill themselves and each other by any means necessary, out of sheer brain-damaged insanity.

But on the other hand, it doesn’t bother me so much that I can really say poo too much, –for the most part, I have a thick skin where cinematical character mutilation is concerned, and I also know, if nothing else, that the regenerative power of cinema is nothing if not a constant, Phoenix-like thing, rising from the ashes of idiocy and popular trend, to begin anew, as society and politics change.

That said, I think if we’re going to make vampires look ridiculous, we should start getting more serious about it. That Vampires Suck film, was pitifully weak, if it intended to poke fun. These are my ideas:

Dave ‘Carmilla’ Karnstein

Carmilla was recently adapted by some woman, with a feminism trip, of course, for the stage. There were strong lesbian overtones, and lots of sexual commentary. My version would have Carmilla as a strong, slightly overweight, bear-lesbian, or for lack of a better term, a bull dike. In this modern adaption, the Countess Carmilla, now the self-named “Dave” Karnstein, would terrorize the young ladies in the local village, and later appear drinking blood and popping hormones to lessen the appearance of her breasts, and in order to stimulate a beard. Carmilla/Dave would be obsessed with blood, hormones, and kidnapping the perfect young girl to marry legally in California. Dave’s death would be due to an overdose of testosterone, which is actually later found to be gel capsules with holy water in them.

Teddy Dullen

Ted Dullen has only one thing going for him: He’s a vampire. Everything else in his life, sucks big time. He has glitter permanently embedded in his skin, from a freak parade accident that happened earlier on his real life, and for some reason, never healed once he became undead. It’s later discovered that his only power, is unfortunately tied to the glitter; he’s able to blind his enemies with the sheer force of his sparkle. Sadly, Ted Dullen is also gay, and because vampires are really only gay in Anne Rice novels, he’s forced to live eternally in the closet. Coupled with bipolar disorder, greasy hair, and a lisp, his life is miserable… And just when he’s comfortable, hating life, being suffocatingly lonely without any other gay vampires… He meets Lela; a fag-hag with a gaydar a mile wide, but although she seems nice, and gives a great manicure… he notices that she never goes anywhere without a wooden stake in her Coach clutch.

Vat Sveet Music They Make

A -good- vampire musical is long overdue. And chances are, it will never actually premier. So you’ll have to settle with this. Now, close your eyes. Imagine, Dracula, somehow surviving his adventures with Harker, Mina, and Anthony Hop–, I mean, Van Helsing, and somehow making it all the way into the 21st century. He’s lonely, no women, no work, and the Broadway stage has been a shambles for the last few decades, with nothing even halfway decent in the theaters. One night, as he sits pining for his wives, drinking cheap bagged blood from the local dispensary, the faints sounds of Avenue Q drifting into his New York townhouse wafting up to him… He snarls, throws the bag of cheap homeless guy blood into the waste basket, and cracks open another cold one. After a moment’s reflection, he stands up, and shouts “I can do better!” Then the film begins Dracula’s long, arduous journey into the theaters of New York, determined to bring something decent to Broadway musicals again. The cast would feature an undead Liza Minnelli, Barbra Streisand, Gene Kelly; cameos would feature Bette Midler, and the infamous Glenn Close, trying to out-vamp Dracula, who perseveres despite Close being the stronger and more evil vampire, by far! Songs would include:

• Rain Blood on My Parade
• Undead Cabaret
• I’ve Grown Accustomed to Her Dead Lifeless Corpse (And I Refuse to Bury It)
• Do I Love You Because You’re a Vampire?
• Another Op’nin’, Another Long Night of Killing Innocent People
• Beauty and the Bestiality
• Broadway Baby (Eaten Alive by My Three Wives)

In short… it’d be a hell of a show.