It’s not enough to lock your door, listen to techno, and play certain scenes of Twilight, or Underworld on loop while you rub one out to your favorite vampire hottie moments. You have to be truly dedicated to achieving orgasm through fabulous sex toys like the ones we’ve gathered for you here today!
1. The Succu-Dry – Three puns all rolled into one; must have taken the designers ages to throw this one out, the Succu-Dry is all about succubi, sucking, and vampire fun. Manufactured by Fleshlight, it’s just as discreet as a flashlight, except the Succu-Dry comes in a tallboy beer can design. “Is that a can of synthetic blood in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me, big boy?” No, ’tis neither blood nor boner, but my trusty Succu-Dry! Lined with the Fleshlight’s signature fleshy material, the inner sanctum of this vampire’s throat is lined with yielding “fangs.” The mouth shape entrance is a grinning fanged female –or male, depending on the limits of your imagination and sexuality, –pair of lips. Boys seem to have all the fun, but don’t worry ladies, we have something for you too!
2. The Twilight-Inspired Vamp Dildo! It sparkles, it shines, and it retains a cold temperature, –plus it’s as pale as the sinister whang of any real vampire. One commenter asks for a similar product that doesn’t sparkle, and suggests they call it, “The Viking”, –hmm, I wonder which vamp they might be referring to? Another woman admitted to enjoying tying this toy to her cat. There aren’t words, –I sat for a moment and tried, but really, boys and ghouls, there just aren’t words. Can we please submit a request for the Viking instead of the Vamp? I dunno how I feel about having sex with a minor, even if he’s been a minor for centuries. Especially if he’s not, er… fully grown yet.
3. The Vampire Condom isn’t really a sex toy, and actually, what exactly is there that’s remotely vampiric about a black condom? Not much, but these guys seem to make a living selling this novelty, and I can certainly see how it might entice an eager young vampire fan to drop her panties. Sorry guys, I’m waiting for the Werewolf Condom!